I take chances. But at the same time, I’m scared of change. What separates me from others is that I take drastic steps for fear of standing in one place. When I was younger some of these things were a bit reckless. Older and wiser, I still find myself trying new things because they scare me. Everything I’ve ever been afraid of has usually been worth the fear ten fold. At the very least, it’s been a good learning experience. I fall on my face constantly (and often publicly), but at least I can say I put myself out there. There are so many people I know who would let fear render them immobile. Some decisions are probably crazy when it comes to money, but ultimately happiness and new experiences are more important. What’s the point of living through drama when you can be on a new adventure? I know it’s easier said than done. Sometimes I wish I could follow my own advice better. For the most part, I have embraced trying new things or sometimes revisiting something I once loved. Not everyone can change careers at the blink of an eye or uproot themselves and go to Europe on a whim. I’m not advising that (unless that’s what you want), what I am saying is taking baby steps in the right direction is better than standing still.
I constantly second-guess myself. I’m human. But, I don’t let those voices in my head take over. I trust my gut on things. We have one life to live and that’s it. We might as well make the best of it while we’re healthy enough to enjoy it right? You never know when your time is up.
I am constantly testing what it is I truly want to do with my life. Surprise, I didn’t have life figured out by 23 like I thought I would when I was a kid! There’s no shame in admitting you’re making it up as you go along. The plan often changes. Sometimes it feels like it’s 10 steps back, but I am tired of being cranky after a long day. I’m exhausted by drama and just want to try something new that won’t eat up my entire existence. Sometimes you just need a job that will put a roof over your head and clothes on your back. You don’t need to define yourself by your work situation. Fight Club tells us that is not you. That is what allows you to survive so you can be yourself the rest of the time. I’ve always said “do the things you have to do, so you can do the things you want to do” (and that’s a personal quote of mine). The “day job” is Hollywood’s dirty little secret. But, beyond work, I feel like every person should go through a period of self discovery. I have friends who don’t know who they are outside of their relationships. They define themselves (consciously or not) by their boyfriends and their boyfriends’ interests. I never really had this problem, but I still want to know myself better. I grew up fast and missed out on a lot of what it meant to be a kid. I find myself at this age trying to discover what brings me joy. Who am I? What are my triggers? What are my goals? Isn’t happiness enough? With every idea comes a new question and I think that’s OK. It’s all a part of the road of self-discovery. Again, I would rather live having no regret than wonder “what if?”
Through my journey in LA, I’ve taken many detours. I have strayed from what’s important, but I’ve never lost sight of myself. I’ve never believed my own hype or felt like I didn’t need to “earn it.” Ultimately, I like a challenge. I accept the unknown. I want to meet interesting people and have new experiences. You can learn so much from others, but sometimes my shyness (yes, I can be shy) completely freezes me. The last two years have taught me what it means to be a mature adult, to make decisions about things you cannot control. I’ve had to take on daunting tasks I never thought I could handle. Someone once said (and I’m probably paraphrasing), “you never know how strong you are until you are forced to be.” I’ve learned to accept what I can’t change and know that it likely has little to do with me. (Sorry for the AA-type language, but some of it applies here.)
So, I am on a new adventure of self-discovery. I am terrified that I will hate it or people will question the logic, but I don’t care. It all leads somewhere. Regret is something I will never feel. This business is a crazy one, as is life in general. Real life is messy. I prefer to stick to the wisdom of the Psychedelic Furs, in that “you can never win or lose if you don’t run the race.”
In Mary words, you can never know what “could have been,” if you’re stuck in “what is.” If life is messy, I’m not afraid to get my hands dirty. Sorry for all the cliches, but sometimes cliches ring true.